You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
