nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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