By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Randomize