It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
