Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
