i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
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