My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
