I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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