i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Randomize
