I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
