the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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