he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Randomize
