Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Randomize
