Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
