I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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