dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Randomize
