brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
