cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I have tasted many bathrooms
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
