I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Randomize
