I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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