I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
