I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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