can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Randomize