The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
