sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
