So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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