It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize