Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
