I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
