he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
