my mouth tastes like poor choices
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
