Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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