She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
