You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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