in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
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