so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
