The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
