I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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