Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
