She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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