That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
