So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
