guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
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