I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Randomize
