Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize