My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Randomize
