I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Randomize
