I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
