id be glad to
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
