Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
