Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
