I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
