He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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