my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
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