Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
is this the sara with the beer cane?
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
Randomize
