..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
