I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
