I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
It's blow job season.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
