My Higher Power is John Stamos
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
