This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Randomize
