I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
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