Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
