Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Randomize
