Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
