New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
where are you?
Hypothermia
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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